So I get an e-mail from Athol, sharing with me the breaking news that there are not now, nor have there ever been, any nuts in the well-respected coffee brand, Chock Full o’ Nuts.
I had never assumed that there were any nuts in Chock Full o’ Nuts coffee, much in the way that I don’t look for nuts in my Grape Nuts. Nor grapes, for that matter. (The foregoing illustrates the concept of “First liar doesn’t stand a chance.”)
In the days prior to naming consultants like Athol, and web sites like Brighter Naming, lots of names came from the product inventors and manufacturers themselves, for reasons unique, idiosyncratic, and/or whimsical.
However, when C.W. Post his own self came up with “Grape Nuts”, I sincerely doubt that one of his motives was to see how much he could get away with under First Amendment protections. I don’t think the same can be said for the charlatans who gave us Country Time Lemonade Mix, a brand notable for a) its homey, evocative name; b) its pitch-perfect commercials, showing Gramps on the porch of the family farm house; and c) 0% lemon content. (Adding to the weirdness…this stuff is apparently made by, of all companies, Kraft Foods. See “It Wasn’t Broke, but We’ll Fix It…and Fix It GOOD” on our sister blog, Brighter Products.)
And for Pete’s sake, why is there even such a thing as “lemonade mix”? Lemonade is water, sugar, lemons and ice cubes—and you have to add two of those ingredients to the mix anyway! I mean, are we turning into a nation of—
Sorry—but this loops me back to the title. Comedian-actor Denis Leary is—with all due respect to Messrs Miller and Maher—the go-to guy for a truly politically incorrect rant. One of my favorites is his take on flavored coffees. He gets some at the 7-11, tells the clerk some foul-up poured maple syrup into the coffee pot, gets informed of “the flavor of the day”…and winds up with his plans for a restaurant that serves 4 items: steaks, whisky, cigarettes, and BLACK COFFEE.
I’d like a reservation, even if the non-smoking area is of the jazz-club variety (i.e., the first six inches above the floor.)
So that’s the reference to Mr. Leary; “egg cream” is left as an exercise for the reader.